I try my best to do everything in my studies. I force myself to complete things that i dont really feel interested at. in studies. i try my best to organize and plan my things and have them all done as perfect as possible. i get good grades, not because im smart but im a little bit hardworking than those people around me. i dont get good grades not because im dumb. i try my best and give all my strength and ability to accomplish what is assigned to me.

im not a robot. im not superwoman. im not im not. dont know how do i perceived in the eyes of my classmates/friends. do they think that im smart, by comparing my grades with theirs. do they think that im 强. im not. i close my heart. i always do. i look strong and 'confident' on the outside but do you know that im actually pretending. im giving you a false impression. i want to look good and confident outwardly. the fact is, im keeping everything with myself. whenever i feel like bursting, my mum is the only one comforting me. renee does give me comfort but she doesnt know everything of my hapennings. my mum is the ultimate comforter. but my mum isnt always with me. she's not with me, she's in malaysia. im in adelaide, im with myself. although God is there. i have to make a lot of decisions in my daily life. no one decides for me now, i have to make my very own decision and be responsible for every decisions that i've made. friends are just friends. they dont heal the innerside of me. they'll fail me. they'll forget about me once they're back to their country or on holiday. that's why my heart is always close. it's glued and can hardly open. i dont really used to praying to God. i feel lazy, for always. i pray, sometimes. when i really need help or feel really awful. i need to develop a good relationship with God. what happens to me if my mum isnt here with me one day in the future. i depend on my mum so much. she is the only one who could heal my inner feelings. when i really feel like bursting and couldnt tell my mum or inconvenient to call, i try to expose a little bit of feelings to my friends in adelaide but people just dont understand, i cant blame them, they dont really know me, they dont understand, they dont need to understand coz my heart is already closed anyway. i need some praises and need people to feel pity on me at times but you see, no one will pity you. only you would pity yourself. "dont fall into self-pity" this is what i learned from church. but it's an emotion. i cant control. i need praise. specific praise to enlighten my life. to give me confidence to continue my day. who would be so kind to praise me or tell me what i've done which made them feel happy. can anyone tell me that you like me. who like me. oh. i miss people who cares about me. i miss my family. i miss my true friends. who likes me. just tell me why do you like me and do you like me.

im special. only special people would be able to see my speciality. im excellent in a special way.

"what you want is not necessarily what you need, maybe it's not the best thing God has for you. God wouldnt give 2nd best, he gives best thing to you!"

"God has good promises in your life."

"You cant do everything, but you can do something!"

"You always have enough ability to do what God wants you to do."

yeeleng

18 Sept 2009